I'm trying something
different to get in the holiday spirit this year. Every day, from
now through Christmas, I will be watching a different Christmas movie
or television special. I have compiled the list of features ahead of
time and am drawing one, at random, from my Christmas stocking
everyday to determine what gets watched. Thank you for joining me in
this endeavor. Day twenty-six is on deck. Will it hit a home run?
Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
So
here we are, day 26 and we are staring down a film that frequently
finds itself on worst of lists. Originally released theatrically in
1964, this film gained new life after being featured on an episode of
Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, I have never actually seen
that version nor any version of this film. I haven't even seen
clips. Unless I have gone insane from writing about so many
Christmas features, I believe that fact makes this feature unique
amongst the picks from the stocking. This is the only feature that I
have no prior experience with. It figures that the only one truly
new to me would be one that many consider terrible. I'm a glutton
for punishment. Let's get this over with.
Synopsis
The
film opens with a broadcast from KID-TV. They are interviewing Santa
live at the North Pole. All of this seems pretty normal, but the
film then pulls back to reveal two Martian children watching the
broadcast. Their father, Kimar, is concerned. They have been
spending a large amount of time watching the Earth broadcasts and
have seemed sullen and listless of late. In fact, he has been forced
to use the sleep spray to get them to go to bed everyday recently.
His wife, Momar, shares his concerns and suggests that he call
together the Martian council and see the advice of Chochem, an 800
year old Martian sage.
With
the council assembled, they seek out Chochem and explain the issues
they are experiencing with their children. Chochem states that he is
not surprised and that he has seen this coming for some time. The
source of the problem, according to him, is that Martian children are
machine educated from the moment they are born. By the time they
walk they are already like adults. They need to be allowed to have
fun. The only solution he can see it that Martian children need
Santa Claus. Voldar, one of the other council members is strongly
opposed to this solution, but Kimar is resolved. The Martian council
sets out to Earth to capture Santa.
 |
| You can tell Voldar is evil because of his mustache. |
They
arrive in Earth orbit but are spotted by Earth radar as their radar
shield is malfunctioning. It turns out that Kimar's assistant Dropo
has stowed away in the radar box and is the cause of the technical
issue. With him found and removed, the radar sheild is fixed and the
Martians can begin their search for Santa in earnest. They quickly
encounter an issue in their search. They are incapable of figuring
out which of the many guys in Santa suits is the real Santa. To
resolve this the Martians find two Earth children, Billy and Betty,
and press them for information on where Santa can be found. The
children tell the Martians and then Voldar suggest that they take the
children with them as otherwise the children may tip off the Earth
authorities to their plot. Kimar is reluctant but eventually sees
the logic in what Voldar suggests.
With
the children in tow, the Martians go to the North Pole and soon
capture Santa with out much difficulty. Santa is obviously perturbed at being taken against his will but he also can't allow children,
even Martian children, to go without knowing the joys of Christmas.
Voldar continues to oppose the change that Santa and the Christmas
spirit are bringing to the Martians and makes multiple attempts on
his and the Earth children's lives. These attempts are thwarted and
Voldar is forced to flee to the wilderness to continue his plots.
With Voldar dealt with for the short term, Kimar sets Santa up with
an advanced Martian workshop to begin construction of the Martian
Christmas presents. However, as Kimar's children improve in spirits,
Billy and Betty begin to get sullen. Momar accesses that they are
homesick and tells Kimar that they must be sent home. Kimar doesn't
think that is possible as the Earthings would then arrive to take
back Santa.
 |
| Stockholm syndrome has set in pretty well by this point. |
Dropo
is taking a great interest in Santa and his work and happens to be
trying on an extra Santa suit just as Voldar launches an operation to
sabotage the workshop. Mistaking Dropo for Santa, Voldar and his men
kidnap him. With what they think is Santa secure, Voldar and his men
go to use this captive to negotiate for the end of this folly of experimentation with
Christmas. Surprised by the presence of a second Santa, Voldar and
his men are overcome by Santa, the Martian and Earth children, and
Kimar. It is decided that Dropo will become the Martian Santa and
Santa and the Earth children are allowed to return home.
 |
| Witness Dropo the Martian Santa. Martian Christmas is doomed |
Final
Thoughts
I
am surprised to find myself saying this, but this wasn't as bad as I
was expecting. Don't get me wrong, it looks like it was made for
about $5.00. And, there are plot threads that go nowhere, such as
the U.S. Space Force's pursuit of the Martian ship. Also, it falls
into the trap of a lot of low budget 1950s and 1960s sci-fi and uses
copious amounts of military stock footage. But if you can get over
the goofy sets and less than great acting, there is at least an
attempt at a charming Christmas tale. It doesn't always or even
often work but there is an effort there. Sometimes that is all you
can ask for. It was good enough for day 26. What will I see
tomorrow? Come back here to find out (please).
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| This is the level of effects to expect if you watch this. Brace yourself and abandon all hope. |
